of coffee and mood swings.

I feel blah.

I either eat constantly or I don’t eat at all either way, I’m gaining hella weight.

10 pounds… in just 2 weeks.

I have been sulking for a few days now, treating myself out to some fancy resto, drive off somewhere and do other things just to be away from people.

I’ve been eating and eating then drink some then eat some more. Its almost like I am another person, its scary. I even get up in the middle of the night and eat some food I shouldn’t be eating. I’m eating in the middle of the night, and gaining weight whilst so. Its like, I stuff myself mindlessly to try to get that “sugar high” or  caffeine high just to make myself feel better.

So, you ask… do I feel better?

Hell No.

i love the way you grin and the way you walk and the way you seem to take in everything in one glance. sometimes i’d stare at you for a while, you’d say i’m awfully quiet then you ask me what i’m thinking.

sometimes i want to ask you, “what are you thinking?” but i don’t want to.

because i’m scared of what your answer might be and it’ll just shatter me into thousand pieces.

heck, i know what the answer is. i’m just having a hard time dealing with myself… with how i am with these kind of things.

it hurts like fuck.

i was trying to sleep, i missed you too much it was hurting. i keep hearing your voice, “ven.. ven.. ven…”

time to play the Almost Lover song. it’s probably why I got coaxed into playing the song prematurely for you. the nymphs living in the cobwebs of my room saw this coming.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

boohoo! tralalala….

i was trying to cheer myself up.

one bloody week of drinking. i started smoking too. fuuuuck.

i miss you, you know… all the bloody time. i try not to text you, not to think about you but i still do cuz you’re everywhere… its difficult because no matter what i do, youre already a part of my life. i cannot ever get rid of your arse unless you go back to california but then again, i’ll do everything to get my arse there too. it was fun on saturday night. i not-so-secretly wish we’d drink all the time so it won’t be so difficult to even hold your hand. blaaaaaaaah.

it is when i’ve had too much to drink, surrounded by people i rarely know, that i terribly crave for your presence and because there is nothing much to do, i shamelessly wish i’d pass out from drunkenness just so I’d not feel this burning sensation of longing.

high tolerance for alcohol. low tolerance for the distance between.

its another day ven, it will be okay.

i’m off to work.

i’ve been ill for a few days now…

i never fully understood how depressing it could be, falling ill ALONE..

And still one has to force oneself to go to work.

the first time I met you, my heart fell. the second time I saw you, my heart fell. the third time, fourth time, fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen. sometimes, i find myself just staring at you. i glance at you not so secretly when i’m driving and you’re in the passenger seat, when you’re eating, when you’re texting…

when I see you, the world stops spinning. there’s nothing else. no yesterday, no tomorrow… the world just stops spinning, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you. when you’re gone, the world starts up again, and I don’t like it as much.

i drive home wishing and hoping for it to stop again…

Lucky are those who know what they want and which way to go. Those who know how to get there are even luckier.

Tell me where I stand. I’m not quite sure.

Keep thyself busssssssssssssssssssssssy.